Wausau Wisconsin, rated PG-13

Okay,  here goes.  I am about to sound like an asshole.

See, that’s the thing.  I am always such a nice person who tries to stay positive, not say mean things etc, and when I have a moment where I need to unleash and be human, people become upset with me.  That, I guess, is why I blog, because people either choose to read this or not.  Many people don’t.

I was talking to a friend today downtown.  It was “Artrageous Weekend” and I went and saw in my dutiful Wausau way.  I had to get away and hid in the park behind the Y.  I happen to not like slow moving crowds, or maybe I just wanted to get out because honestly, I don’t really care about Artrageous Weekend.

Every moment of every year is mapped out in Wausau.  Every year it’s the same thing and we all attend as if we are programmed.  Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot of talent out there too, but nothing really provocative.  I guess maybe I just need something to shake me up.  Nothing really shook me.

Wausau is a relatively safe city as we know.  It has many charms that attract those that need to live in a safe environment but it is also a very “safe-minded” place where everything is PG-13.  Wausau needs an earthquake of fresh ideas and people who are not strung up on social politics, real rebels, some creative outlaws, cowboys and cowgirls.

I know they are out there but it is only safe to come out at night.  I wish they could have come out during the day among crowds of people, I want to see people shake things up.  Be out there.  Be bold.  I want to see onlookers question things, question themselves a bit, be a little shocked.  Are you not yet tired of looking at birds, landscapes and lawn ornaments?  I want to my eyebrows to squinch, I want my lip to curl.  I want to shake my head and say “What the fuck.”

I am not saying to be just ignorantly crass.  It has to mean something.  Where are these people.  Let’s do something bold!

Deep Grooves

The more time passes, the more and more distant I become to some of the people that have briefly stayed in my life and made deep grooves in this hardwood heart.  Some have polished, some have varnished, even some have tried to whittle away but only a few have truly carved a deep impression to give shape to this solid block of a person I have been.

 

These courageous people; courageous because they know they have to tools, they know the strength of their instruments, the sharpness and the gentle ease  it takes to create these forms and the delicacy of the human who’s fibers are being splintered to shape.

 

…..and the block may not always comply, the weathering of difficult seasons have knotted or varied the grains, the layers but the time and patience taken to navigate these ridges give rise to the natural veneer beauty underside. 

 

I know I was loved.  The time taken and spent.  The attentions to the details that are so necessary with humans.  I know these ones, these keepers of the sharpest tools by one trait or two.  Certain voices I can’t sand away.  Certain smiles I can’t varnish over.  Even though they are long gone, I know I was loved by the carvings they made.   Thank you.

Plugged In

Tomorrow I venture on my first foreign excursion and I am a little peeved that my leg has decided to hurt.  I have waited too long for this, that is what my leg is telling me.  I had a couple glasses of wine at what I call the Eden Prairie (MN) Zoo which is really the home of my grandma, aunt and little cousin Maddie.  It is a neurotic, estrogen ruled enviornment with 2 snarky cats and a dog with a thyroid condition; drinking is my only saving grace and wine makes me appear to not be a drunk.

Tomorrow my dad drives to the burbs from his downtown Mpls loft (I only mention it because it is my dream apartment) to take is prized (ha ha) daughter to the airport.  Him, my grandma and I will be doing breakfast somewhere before I depart on 13+ hours of travel.  My iPod is charged and I have a few good books to read.  I have what feels like way too much luggage but an entire duffle bag devoted to my dear, sweet and talented friend Melissa Steckbauer http://www.melissatheredpainter.20fr.com/ filled with sheets and blankets and other items to provide her warmth and comfort.  I snagged a couple pair of ear plugs from work so I may sleep on the plane because I will arrive at almost 10am there but it will be almost 3 am here.  Sleep is required on that plane.

Melissa informed me that she will be working when I arrive so Iwill have to retrieve her apartment key from a local store owner, let myself in and lock up to wander or lay down to sleep.  It will be almost noon which will mean lunch and the exciting beginnings of spending my hard earned dollars.  I fucking deserve this vacation but not this crippling pain in my leg.  Damn it.

I recently found a journal I kept when I was 19, right before I moved to Madison.  Most of the entries were teenage like gushes about boys or my lonliness upon arriving in Madison however I had to hand it to myself.  I moved out on my own at 17, and moved away when I was 19.  No student aide, no parents credit cards, no clue what I was meant to do with my life, certainly not college.  I was so brave and struggled at first only to leave once I was finally getting myself grounded.  I feel like my 20’s were wasted.  Yes, I had some great times but between living in debt, on pennies and having my focus skewed towards convention.

Convention never happened and I have recently accepted that.  Now I feel plugged in.  I feel electric.  I have no idea how long it will last but life feels right.  Life feels good.  I just hope that this moment lasts long enough to be receptive to as much as possible.  I feel like something really good is going to happen.  Yes, I am doing things I would have never done one or two years ago but everything is aligned.

Neither

Today I am torn between personality and character.  I feel as if I am forced to conclude that no one person can adequately fulfill my preferences in both.  Well, only when applied to matters of the heart.  So instead, I settle for neither.  This is a new practice for me.

Burza Manifests!

I am flabbergasted, flabbergasted and flattered!  Recently a few friends have brought it to my attention that they have been reading this silly blog I hardly update (thank you!) but being reffered to as a writer is way too much!  I guess being a “writer” is never something I considered myself to be.  I dabble a little here and there and try to run off tiny and rare flickers of imagination but to be called a writer is something I simply can’t comprehend.  Thank you friends.

I guess since I have readers and I have many new things to convey, it was time to offer up another post.

Since my birthday in early March I was dreaming about my vacation.  I considered road-tripping to Florida to see my brother.  I considered flying to Florida.  Then I thought about how much fun a road-trip down the old route 66 would be but decided a visit to my brother would be best.  It would be a solo road trip, a vision quest, an adventure, ample time for soul searching, hours and hours on my ass in a car.  I was going to geocache a little on the way down and discover some exciting little places in the backwoods of Tennesse and Alabama which might just frighten me more than ending up in the ghettos of New Jersey, not that I have seen either but I speculate.  I requested off my days of vacation and put the thought of the trip on the back burner.  No sense in planning for a late May vacation.

Then it was Monday, April 6th.  On a whim I signed onto Expedia to check out some flights.  See, a month or so earlier, my old, dear friend Melissa Steckbauer was home for a visit.  For those of you who don’t know Melissa, she is one of the most lovely and remarkable people I have ever known.  She has an enormous heart, a generous and loving spirit and an ambition and talent unlike anyone I have ever met.  She is inspirational to say the least and I am so fortunate to have her in my life, even if it is so seldom we talk or speak. 

She is currently living and working in Berlin and during her visit she was very much trying to convince us at our fine table at the Red Eye to come visit her.  I had checked the price on the tickets for some random summer dates and the cost was almost $1500 for a round trip flight.  A girl can dream, right?  So, going back to Monday, April 6th……I went to Expedia on a whim to check the flights to Berlin for the dates that I was planning vacation and alas!, the cost of round-trip air fare ranged between $400 and $500!  So I stewed on the idea Monday night and checked a few other dates and flights.  On Tuesday I emailed Melissa and asked if she would be around on a span of dates if I was to visit.  By the end of the day Tuesday I received my response and regardless of her being in Berlin or not, I could stay at her place.  Come Wednesday I decided on my travel dates and after work that day I purchased my tickets for a whopping $400!   But oh yeah, I need a passport!  I applied Thursday for my passport, expedited of course, just to be safe.  Within 4 days, I booked a trip to Europe, I have not been that spontaneous in very long time but it feels so good.

I have wanted to go to Germany for years.   Actually, I would love to travel all over Europe but I live here in the US and must work 7 years at my job for 3 weeks of paid vacation.  My hope of this journey is to build more travel confidence all together.  I am a little nervous considering I may be on my own for the entire week I spend there.  Berlin is a vast city and appears to be pre-grid.  I worry about being lost or disoriented as my sense of direction is poor.  In general, I have always felt very comfortable in bigger cities, or should I say, the ones I have been to.  I adore Chicago on the simple notion that I understand how to find my way around.  Minneapolis is the perfect size city with very little of the big city pretensions.  I have also been to San Diego but my time spent there was brief.  I am not much of a palm tree girl.  Time to see Berlin.  Seven full days of Berlin.

I feel as if I am not only rediscovering myself and my identity but I am doing so with such positive gusto that I feel even more courageous than ever.  My life has seriously taken a positive turn and I can’t recall the last time I have felt so great.  I feel like I am finally coming into Burza.  My little idea/experience has begun to flourish.  I am alive.  I am living right.

 

In the meantime I hope to write a little more before my vacation.  It is my hope to well document my travels when they do come.  My trip is May 21st-30th.

Burza

(This blog was originally posted on my former blogsite on March 31st, 2008.  I am reposting it here, I repost it everywhere.)

I heard my first rumble of thunder just moments ago and I was jealous.  The sky is capable and allowed to express itself without restraint and I am burdened with a frustration that I just can’t shake.  Thunder cares not of the consequence of it’s action or the foul weather it brings.  I want to make thunder, not just fill in the gaps of this meager existence.

Burza: Polish word for storm and often said by my great-grandfather.

The Repeater

A sympathetic stone and a patient ear, never questioning the the intentions of others until something has already been taken….and it is never my pride for there is none to steal. Tapping me of every nutrient in my body leaving me withered and worn. A pair of scuffed leather boots, I put on before I shut my door and the sound of the heel on a wooden floor restore a little of the dignity that my optimistic heart so naively, so foolishly lost…..again

 

(dear reader….chances are pretty damn good that this isn’t about you so shrink your ego just enough to wrap your mind around that, thank you)

Gaining Insight as I Approach the Final Year of My 20’s

 

In a few weeks I will be celebrating a birthday.  I stretch to call it a celebration, not because I worry about aging.  When I groan about my birthday, acquaintances are quick to jump on the “fear of aging” bit and then proceed to tease me for worrying about turning 29.  If it could only be so trivial.  So please allow me to explain.

 

As I had mentioned in a previous blog, a Saturn Return is supposed to be a time of great change in a person’s life, based on the position of ones sun sign in Saturn at the time of birth…or something to that effect.  (I am not well versed in the language of Astrology.  I find it an interesting concept that ties nature and the supernatural together but don’t take stock in it.)  This time typically  occurs between the ages of 27 and 31 or 32 which places me smack dab in the middle of some  tumultuous whirlwind of confusion; searching for answers to questions that are not very clear to begin with.  I will not deny that this has been a quiet torment, this internal search for clarity on why everything simply feels either wrong or unfulfilling.

 

First I addressed my everyday woes, my laments, my grievances.  I have beaten them to death in my mind and in my heart and I will probably continue to do so to some degree.  It is natural look at things in retrospect and try to gain insight from the past, but nothing I was mulling over provided any discernment to my immediate tumult.  If anything, these thoughts just made me sad, which is a terribly unproductive emotional state to be in.

 

Recently I have been grieving the “loss” of a couple of my closest girlfriends.  For the last few months I have felt quite jilted by their disregard.  They formed a bond and I sensed a phase out almost immediately.  The very subtle jabs and snubs have been hurtful and peaceful attempts to share these feelings were met with unbelievable hostility.  Amends have been made but “girl-drama” still seems to loom and there is nothing I loathe more than catty girl drama and to not participate in it is agonizing however I almost did….tonight…then it all became intensely clear.

 

Approaching 30 is sort of a big deal.  I know that my elders would laugh at this and say “wait till you turn 50″ and so forth, but there is merit to any passage of time that ushers in a new stage of life.  Approaching the idea of saying goodbye to my 20’s is saying goodbye to a decade where it is completely natural and almost celebrated to be almost completely self-absorbed.  It seems funny how people-centric we are in our teens, when friendships are pinnacle, then as we search out our directions in our 20’s, friendships become mutual launch pads, good-times and networking.  The person I was at 22 or 23 is incredibly different than who I am now, only a few years later at 29. 

 

Another strange phenomenon about this period of time is that it feels like a full force, unstoppable progression that is happening at a pace that I can’t digest  constructively.  It is as if suddenly I can not understand the behaviors of those I considered my peers and there is a bit of resentment because I have not quite fit comfortably into my new clothes quite yet.  It is a painful adjustment as I try to make new friends as the old ones hardly even try and when they do, it seems contrived and strained.  I have made my efforts and I dealing with people who pretend to care only causes more sadness, which as I mentioned earlier, is an unproductive emotional state.  I would rather be happy and productive.  It is not “all about me” anymore.

Sink

So this was written in April 2008 or earlier.  I don’t quite remember but I just remembered that I wanted to share this somewhere.

 

 

Sink

The motor starts abruptly,

Your thirsty razors

Take my mistakes

And wash them away

 

I am always fascinated

By the speed and ease

Of your delicate destruction

 

I added too much salt

And the pantry is empty

I lay on the couch

To fall asleep.

-15 Degree Anxiety

I could really be amused by Shel Silverstein poems for children right now.  I don’t know why I thought of that.

I have grown more concerned about this friend drama than ever.  These two girls,  now very close are speaking to me very strangely.  One more than the other.  For the extent of this turmoil, I was lead to believe it was me being the irrational, bitchy, strange acting one but I no longer think that is the case.  It’s like some strange concoction I just can’t understand but I hardly recognize their personalities anymore.

My one friend spoke with me about “hypothetical” situations of situations where it would be bad to canoodle with one another’s boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, fiance’s etc.  It was a very strange exchange where I could do nothing but offer quite obvious examples myself but why the hell would that be brought up?  Then, when I spoke to her about how busy I was going to be in February she asked “Well, are you even going to have time to stand up in the wedding?”  I was appalled!  What am I supposed to do, plan the wedding for her.  I have been waiting for her to call me for MONTHS to go look at flowers, the hall or cakes.  She doesn’t call me because she is too busy running around, digging through Old Navy bargain bins with the other friend.  The one that obviously has more time and expendable income to do such things.

In the meantime I have been having a great time.  I have been doing more things that appeal to my interests and spending time with some really great people.  I did have a bit of anxiety last weekend when traveling to Minneapolis for my dads 50th birthday party.  I am seriously trying to figure out exactly what triggered my anxiety/panic attack but my theory is that so much is changing in my life and at speeds at which I simply can’t absorb the impact.  I am not used to being busy and I had gotten quite accustomed to spending time alone.  The Walker Art Center www.walkerart.orgwas amazing.  I wish I wasn’t starving, sleep deprived, and post-anxiety attack drained.  I have managed pretty well not seeing a Psychiatrist (well, except for once) all these years, I think I just need to analize the source of my problem and take steps to remedy the situation or avoid the triggers.  I have been just too distracted to be self-aware and that helps zero.

It is a lot to process when ones lifestyle abruptly changes.  I know for certain that I am not as low as I was about 6 years ago when I was devastated, then  listless and only able to get out of bed for work.  I am not waking up to panic induced paralysis or crying myself to sleep.  I talked to a Doc once then and pulled myself out of that situation.  This is certainly not bad at all.  I am just haunted by this situation with my friends as well.  I have no one to talk to about the goings on of my life………………………………………………….I stopped to think of what I meant to say next and Boston Creme Pie came to mind………..yummy………………………………..

I know plenty of people, I just need to learn of a way to afford to go out and about to hang out with them more.  These jaunts out of town have been quite nice.  Milwaukee a couple weekends ago was exactly what I needed.  Minneapolis was last minute and I was just worn out.

I need spring to be here soon.  I need a tent, open windows, a tank full of gas, the woods, my GPS, drinks by a campfire, thunderstorms, vacation time, fishing, a sunburn and super shitty summertime songs sung by Kid Rock.  Yes, I need that shit.  All of it.