Gaining Insight as I Approach the Final Year of My 20′s

 

In a few weeks I will be celebrating a birthday.  I stretch to call it a celebration, not because I worry about aging.  When I groan about my birthday, acquaintances are quick to jump on the “fear of aging” bit and then proceed to tease me for worrying about turning 29.  If it could only be so trivial.  So please allow me to explain.

 

As I had mentioned in a previous blog, a Saturn Return is supposed to be a time of great change in a person’s life, based on the position of ones sun sign in Saturn at the time of birth…or something to that effect.  (I am not well versed in the language of Astrology.  I find it an interesting concept that ties nature and the supernatural together but don’t take stock in it.)  This time typically  occurs between the ages of 27 and 31 or 32 which places me smack dab in the middle of some  tumultuous whirlwind of confusion; searching for answers to questions that are not very clear to begin with.  I will not deny that this has been a quiet torment, this internal search for clarity on why everything simply feels either wrong or unfulfilling.

 

First I addressed my everyday woes, my laments, my grievances.  I have beaten them to death in my mind and in my heart and I will probably continue to do so to some degree.  It is natural look at things in retrospect and try to gain insight from the past, but nothing I was mulling over provided any discernment to my immediate tumult.  If anything, these thoughts just made me sad, which is a terribly unproductive emotional state to be in.

 

Recently I have been grieving the “loss” of a couple of my closest girlfriends.  For the last few months I have felt quite jilted by their disregard.  They formed a bond and I sensed a phase out almost immediately.  The very subtle jabs and snubs have been hurtful and peaceful attempts to share these feelings were met with unbelievable hostility.  Amends have been made but “girl-drama” still seems to loom and there is nothing I loathe more than catty girl drama and to not participate in it is agonizing however I almost did….tonight…then it all became intensely clear.

 

Approaching 30 is sort of a big deal.  I know that my elders would laugh at this and say “wait till you turn 50″ and so forth, but there is merit to any passage of time that ushers in a new stage of life.  Approaching the idea of saying goodbye to my 20′s is saying goodbye to a decade where it is completely natural and almost celebrated to be almost completely self-absorbed.  It seems funny how people-centric we are in our teens, when friendships are pinnacle, then as we search out our directions in our 20′s, friendships become mutual launch pads, good-times and networking.  The person I was at 22 or 23 is incredibly different than who I am now, only a few years later at 29. 

 

Another strange phenomenon about this period of time is that it feels like a full force, unstoppable progression that is happening at a pace that I can’t digest  constructively.  It is as if suddenly I can not understand the behaviors of those I considered my peers and there is a bit of resentment because I have not quite fit comfortably into my new clothes quite yet.  It is a painful adjustment as I try to make new friends as the old ones hardly even try and when they do, it seems contrived and strained.  I have made my efforts and I dealing with people who pretend to care only causes more sadness, which as I mentioned earlier, is an unproductive emotional state.  I would rather be happy and productive.  It is not “all about me” anymore.

-15 Degree Anxiety

I could really be amused by Shel Silverstein poems for children right now.  I don’t know why I thought of that.

I have grown more concerned about this friend drama than ever.  These two girls,  now very close are speaking to me very strangely.  One more than the other.  For the extent of this turmoil, I was lead to believe it was me being the irrational, bitchy, strange acting one but I no longer think that is the case.  It’s like some strange concoction I just can’t understand but I hardly recognize their personalities anymore.

My one friend spoke with me about “hypothetical” situations of situations where it would be bad to canoodle with one another’s boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, fiance’s etc.  It was a very strange exchange where I could do nothing but offer quite obvious examples myself but why the hell would that be brought up?  Then, when I spoke to her about how busy I was going to be in February she asked “Well, are you even going to have time to stand up in the wedding?”  I was appalled!  What am I supposed to do, plan the wedding for her.  I have been waiting for her to call me for MONTHS to go look at flowers, the hall or cakes.  She doesn’t call me because she is too busy running around, digging through Old Navy bargain bins with the other friend.  The one that obviously has more time and expendable income to do such things.

In the meantime I have been having a great time.  I have been doing more things that appeal to my interests and spending time with some really great people.  I did have a bit of anxiety last weekend when traveling to Minneapolis for my dads 50th birthday party.  I am seriously trying to figure out exactly what triggered my anxiety/panic attack but my theory is that so much is changing in my life and at speeds at which I simply can’t absorb the impact.  I am not used to being busy and I had gotten quite accustomed to spending time alone.  The Walker Art Center www.walkerart.orgwas amazing.  I wish I wasn’t starving, sleep deprived, and post-anxiety attack drained.  I have managed pretty well not seeing a Psychiatrist (well, except for once) all these years, I think I just need to analize the source of my problem and take steps to remedy the situation or avoid the triggers.  I have been just too distracted to be self-aware and that helps zero.

It is a lot to process when ones lifestyle abruptly changes.  I know for certain that I am not as low as I was about 6 years ago when I was devastated, then  listless and only able to get out of bed for work.  I am not waking up to panic induced paralysis or crying myself to sleep.  I talked to a Doc once then and pulled myself out of that situation.  This is certainly not bad at all.  I am just haunted by this situation with my friends as well.  I have no one to talk to about the goings on of my life………………………………………………….I stopped to think of what I meant to say next and Boston Creme Pie came to mind………..yummy………………………………..

I know plenty of people, I just need to learn of a way to afford to go out and about to hang out with them more.  These jaunts out of town have been quite nice.  Milwaukee a couple weekends ago was exactly what I needed.  Minneapolis was last minute and I was just worn out.

I need spring to be here soon.  I need a tent, open windows, a tank full of gas, the woods, my GPS, drinks by a campfire, thunderstorms, vacation time, fishing, a sunburn and super shitty summertime songs sung by Kid Rock.  Yes, I need that shit.  All of it.

Give Me Some Cheap Wine and I Will Give You a Few Paragraphs.

The neighbor lady upstairs moans constantly as if she is dying, but I gather this only because I hear her retching a lot.  Chemo?  Booze?  Bulimia?  The couple upstairs from me are older and quite “weathered.”

Okay, straight to the hot melted cheese that is Wisconsin drama, there has been a lot of awkwardness stemming from the friendship between me and my two closest girlfriends.  Details stemming back months; I will spare you of the blather of girl talk rants.  There is a disconnect and I don’t know what else to say or do.  I guess they have always known me as a particular person with my generic dreams, marginalized goals, and completely devoid of cultural stimuli.  They didn’t know me when…………….when I had something to say or had ideas, or goals, or ideas for goals.

They didn’t know me when…….  Who really did know me when, actually?  Who knew me before I slipped into a dark and lonely culvert of broken dreams and shantytown hearts?  There are only a few that stem back to a time where my ideas were not freeclouded by my bleak and headstrong aspirations.  Somewhere, recently since, I have gained what I won’t quite consider an insight, but a basic idea of where I need to be, or should I say, what I need to do to maintain a general balance, an equilibrium. 

I guess I can’t expect anyone to understand, but I am happy.  My life is peaceful and enriched with people as my vitamins and minerals.  I just wish my close friends could see my happiness and embrace this.  Their disregard hurts.  I have brought this to their attention I was met with defenses and hostility.  Maybe it is my loss of jaded optimism?  I just need to look at things realistically.  It is a huge undertaking when it comes to certain aspects of my life and what I had always thought it should be.

Part of me is changing, maturing or simply adapting to maintain sanity.  I am at a loss and I simply don’t know what to do anymore except give up on it and let the tides take this to it’s appropriate shore.  I must continue to see forward through this new looking glass because my spirit was crippled before.  I am sorry my friends, those who have cast me aside, but I just need a little time to let my overly optimistic , unrealized “dreams” of my 20′s die in peace.