Give Me Some Cheap Wine and I Will Give You a Few Paragraphs.

The neighbor lady upstairs moans constantly as if she is dying, but I gather this only because I hear her retching a lot.  Chemo?  Booze?  Bulimia?  The couple upstairs from me are older and quite “weathered.”

Okay, straight to the hot melted cheese that is Wisconsin drama, there has been a lot of awkwardness stemming from the friendship between me and my two closest girlfriends.  Details stemming back months; I will spare you of the blather of girl talk rants.  There is a disconnect and I don’t know what else to say or do.  I guess they have always known me as a particular person with my generic dreams, marginalized goals, and completely devoid of cultural stimuli.  They didn’t know me when…………….when I had something to say or had ideas, or goals, or ideas for goals.

They didn’t know me when…….  Who really did know me when, actually?  Who knew me before I slipped into a dark and lonely culvert of broken dreams and shantytown hearts?  There are only a few that stem back to a time where my ideas were not freeclouded by my bleak and headstrong aspirations.  Somewhere, recently since, I have gained what I won’t quite consider an insight, but a basic idea of where I need to be, or should I say, what I need to do to maintain a general balance, an equilibrium. 

I guess I can’t expect anyone to understand, but I am happy.  My life is peaceful and enriched with people as my vitamins and minerals.  I just wish my close friends could see my happiness and embrace this.  Their disregard hurts.  I have brought this to their attention I was met with defenses and hostility.  Maybe it is my loss of jaded optimism?  I just need to look at things realistically.  It is a huge undertaking when it comes to certain aspects of my life and what I had always thought it should be.

Part of me is changing, maturing or simply adapting to maintain sanity.  I am at a loss and I simply don’t know what to do anymore except give up on it and let the tides take this to it’s appropriate shore.  I must continue to see forward through this new looking glass because my spirit was crippled before.  I am sorry my friends, those who have cast me aside, but I just need a little time to let my overly optimistic , unrealized “dreams” of my 20′s die in peace.