-15 Degree Anxiety

I could really be amused by Shel Silverstein poems for children right now.  I don’t know why I thought of that.

I have grown more concerned about this friend drama than ever.  These two girls,  now very close are speaking to me very strangely.  One more than the other.  For the extent of this turmoil, I was lead to believe it was me being the irrational, bitchy, strange acting one but I no longer think that is the case.  It’s like some strange concoction I just can’t understand but I hardly recognize their personalities anymore.

My one friend spoke with me about “hypothetical” situations of situations where it would be bad to canoodle with one another’s boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, fiance’s etc.  It was a very strange exchange where I could do nothing but offer quite obvious examples myself but why the hell would that be brought up?  Then, when I spoke to her about how busy I was going to be in February she asked “Well, are you even going to have time to stand up in the wedding?”  I was appalled!  What am I supposed to do, plan the wedding for her.  I have been waiting for her to call me for MONTHS to go look at flowers, the hall or cakes.  She doesn’t call me because she is too busy running around, digging through Old Navy bargain bins with the other friend.  The one that obviously has more time and expendable income to do such things.

In the meantime I have been having a great time.  I have been doing more things that appeal to my interests and spending time with some really great people.  I did have a bit of anxiety last weekend when traveling to Minneapolis for my dads 50th birthday party.  I am seriously trying to figure out exactly what triggered my anxiety/panic attack but my theory is that so much is changing in my life and at speeds at which I simply can’t absorb the impact.  I am not used to being busy and I had gotten quite accustomed to spending time alone.  The Walker Art Center www.walkerart.orgwas amazing.  I wish I wasn’t starving, sleep deprived, and post-anxiety attack drained.  I have managed pretty well not seeing a Psychiatrist (well, except for once) all these years, I think I just need to analize the source of my problem and take steps to remedy the situation or avoid the triggers.  I have been just too distracted to be self-aware and that helps zero.

It is a lot to process when ones lifestyle abruptly changes.  I know for certain that I am not as low as I was about 6 years ago when I was devastated, then  listless and only able to get out of bed for work.  I am not waking up to panic induced paralysis or crying myself to sleep.  I talked to a Doc once then and pulled myself out of that situation.  This is certainly not bad at all.  I am just haunted by this situation with my friends as well.  I have no one to talk to about the goings on of my life………………………………………………….I stopped to think of what I meant to say next and Boston Creme Pie came to mind………..yummy………………………………..

I know plenty of people, I just need to learn of a way to afford to go out and about to hang out with them more.  These jaunts out of town have been quite nice.  Milwaukee a couple weekends ago was exactly what I needed.  Minneapolis was last minute and I was just worn out.

I need spring to be here soon.  I need a tent, open windows, a tank full of gas, the woods, my GPS, drinks by a campfire, thunderstorms, vacation time, fishing, a sunburn and super shitty summertime songs sung by Kid Rock.  Yes, I need that shit.  All of it.