Deep Grooves

The more time passes, the more and more distant I become to some of the people that have briefly stayed in my life and made deep grooves in this hardwood heart.  Some have polished, some have varnished, even some have tried to whittle away but only a few have truly carved a deep impression to give shape to this solid block of a person I have been.

 

These courageous people; courageous because they know they have to tools, they know the strength of their instruments, the sharpness and the gentle ease  it takes to create these forms and the delicacy of the human who’s fibers are being splintered to shape.

 

…..and the block may not always comply, the weathering of difficult seasons have knotted or varied the grains, the layers but the time and patience taken to navigate these ridges give rise to the natural veneer beauty underside. 

 

I know I was loved.  The time taken and spent.  The attentions to the details that are so necessary with humans.  I know these ones, these keepers of the sharpest tools by one trait or two.  Certain voices I can’t sand away.  Certain smiles I can’t varnish over.  Even though they are long gone, I know I was loved by the carvings they made.   Thank you.

Plugged In

Tomorrow I venture on my first foreign excursion and I am a little peeved that my leg has decided to hurt.  I have waited too long for this, that is what my leg is telling me.  I had a couple glasses of wine at what I call the Eden Prairie (MN) Zoo which is really the home of my grandma, aunt and little cousin Maddie.  It is a neurotic, estrogen ruled enviornment with 2 snarky cats and a dog with a thyroid condition; drinking is my only saving grace and wine makes me appear to not be a drunk.

Tomorrow my dad drives to the burbs from his downtown Mpls loft (I only mention it because it is my dream apartment) to take is prized (ha ha) daughter to the airport.  Him, my grandma and I will be doing breakfast somewhere before I depart on 13+ hours of travel.  My iPod is charged and I have a few good books to read.  I have what feels like way too much luggage but an entire duffle bag devoted to my dear, sweet and talented friend Melissa Steckbauer http://www.melissatheredpainter.20fr.com/ filled with sheets and blankets and other items to provide her warmth and comfort.  I snagged a couple pair of ear plugs from work so I may sleep on the plane because I will arrive at almost 10am there but it will be almost 3 am here.  Sleep is required on that plane.

Melissa informed me that she will be working when I arrive so Iwill have to retrieve her apartment key from a local store owner, let myself in and lock up to wander or lay down to sleep.  It will be almost noon which will mean lunch and the exciting beginnings of spending my hard earned dollars.  I fucking deserve this vacation but not this crippling pain in my leg.  Damn it.

I recently found a journal I kept when I was 19, right before I moved to Madison.  Most of the entries were teenage like gushes about boys or my lonliness upon arriving in Madison however I had to hand it to myself.  I moved out on my own at 17, and moved away when I was 19.  No student aide, no parents credit cards, no clue what I was meant to do with my life, certainly not college.  I was so brave and struggled at first only to leave once I was finally getting myself grounded.  I feel like my 20′s were wasted.  Yes, I had some great times but between living in debt, on pennies and having my focus skewed towards convention.

Convention never happened and I have recently accepted that.  Now I feel plugged in.  I feel electric.  I have no idea how long it will last but life feels right.  Life feels good.  I just hope that this moment lasts long enough to be receptive to as much as possible.  I feel like something really good is going to happen.  Yes, I am doing things I would have never done one or two years ago but everything is aligned.

Give Me Some Cheap Wine and I Will Give You a Few Paragraphs.

The neighbor lady upstairs moans constantly as if she is dying, but I gather this only because I hear her retching a lot.  Chemo?  Booze?  Bulimia?  The couple upstairs from me are older and quite “weathered.”

Okay, straight to the hot melted cheese that is Wisconsin drama, there has been a lot of awkwardness stemming from the friendship between me and my two closest girlfriends.  Details stemming back months; I will spare you of the blather of girl talk rants.  There is a disconnect and I don’t know what else to say or do.  I guess they have always known me as a particular person with my generic dreams, marginalized goals, and completely devoid of cultural stimuli.  They didn’t know me when…………….when I had something to say or had ideas, or goals, or ideas for goals.

They didn’t know me when…….  Who really did know me when, actually?  Who knew me before I slipped into a dark and lonely culvert of broken dreams and shantytown hearts?  There are only a few that stem back to a time where my ideas were not freeclouded by my bleak and headstrong aspirations.  Somewhere, recently since, I have gained what I won’t quite consider an insight, but a basic idea of where I need to be, or should I say, what I need to do to maintain a general balance, an equilibrium. 

I guess I can’t expect anyone to understand, but I am happy.  My life is peaceful and enriched with people as my vitamins and minerals.  I just wish my close friends could see my happiness and embrace this.  Their disregard hurts.  I have brought this to their attention I was met with defenses and hostility.  Maybe it is my loss of jaded optimism?  I just need to look at things realistically.  It is a huge undertaking when it comes to certain aspects of my life and what I had always thought it should be.

Part of me is changing, maturing or simply adapting to maintain sanity.  I am at a loss and I simply don’t know what to do anymore except give up on it and let the tides take this to it’s appropriate shore.  I must continue to see forward through this new looking glass because my spirit was crippled before.  I am sorry my friends, those who have cast me aside, but I just need a little time to let my overly optimistic , unrealized “dreams” of my 20′s die in peace.